>:(

Putting together an IKEA bed, without instructions, can make the world turn into the slowest moving, most crabby place in seconds.
The heat is on too high, there isn't enough light, you suddenly have to pee, but your old mattress is blocking the bathroom door......I figured out the answer to all of the aforementioned problems though: Egg Nog ice cream.
WHOEVER UNLEASHED THIS SUPER POWER HAS BEEN SITTING ON SOMETHING FOR FAR TOO LONG!!!!
Being a bit of an ice cream connoisseur, I have my pros and cons regarding this brand of ice cream.
PROS:
- s'ice cream!
- it doesn't come in the wimpy haagen daas sized container (I tend to frown upon wee "gourmet" cartons of ice cream, as they're usually purchased by individuals who can restrict themselves to a measly little bowl of ice cream whenever they have a craving - way to have self control guys!!), she's hatched into a hefty 2L tub!!
- it combines my two favourite edible products in this world: ice cream, and egg nog

CONS:
.....





.........




SIKE!!!!

Don't forget that I get 10%!!!!!!

http://ucbswww.bank-banque-canada.ca/scripts/search_english.cfm

Being both sick, and bored allows you to explore avenues of the internet that you may have never otherwise utilized.
Terribly - none of my family members have cheese just sitting in the bank.

p.s.

Enjoying a nice long soak in a hot tub (after you've put a whole bottle of bubble bath in it) is difficult when you're completely sauced.
You get dizzy, nauseous, and generally irritated a few minutes into the experience.
However, being hung over in a hot tub is a whole other story.
GUESS WHO DINED AT THE KEG THIS WEEKEND!?!?!?
I FELT LIKE A MIDDLE AGED PROFESSIONAL AS I SIPPED FROM A WINE GLASS (PEPSI w/ NO ICE, YO!), SITTING IN THE KEG - OVERLOOKING NIAGARA FALLS, AND EATING RIIIBBSS!!!!!!!!!!
And what fucking genius created the mini bar in hotel rooms?!
WAY TO FORCE PEOPLE INTO BUYING $9 CANS OF COORS LIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!

cleanin' up your own fuckin' sty is gratifying

Ever wake up, and feel like you live in a total pig pen?
You wait for that individual that takes up the other side of the bed to go about his weekend biz, and the second he leaves - THE CLEANING HAS BEGUN!!
I'm four hours in, and it looks like a tornado has visited my wee bachelor apartment.
Everything is piled on top of my bed, and the cat is sleeping on a pile of clothes in the closet (she's smarter than I give her credit for, as I'm sure she'd be deep in the pile on my bed, had she not scurried to the closet in order to escape).
I've scrubbed mysterious floor stains, I've organized all of my household cleaners,
I've even taken all my books off of my bookshelf, dusted them, and re-organized them, in a totally aesthetic manner.
Never do I have a minimal apartment cleaning session - it somehow always turns into one of those "gotta move all your furniture! IT'S TIME FOR CHANGE!!!" experiences.
If I successfully blog about my life tomorrow, it means that I've been able to dig my way out of my apartment.

HOT TUBBIN'

1 MORE DAY UNTIL WE'RE EATING PIZZA IN A HOT TUB!!!
YOU KNOW WHO ELSE LIKES HOT TUBS!??!


AFTER I AM AS WRINKLY AS A PRUNE, DUE TO OVER-HOT TUBBIN', I'M GOING TO GO DOWNSTAIRS TO THE CASINO, AND WIN MILLIONS, SO THAT I CAN FIND A CURE FOR THE LIL' DUDE ABOVE!



I WALKED BY A CONVENIENCE STORE LAST NIGHT - IS LOTTO 649 SERIOUSLY UP TO $33 MILLION!?!?!?
WINNING HUGE AMOUNTS OF MONEY WOULD HELP ME IN THE FOLLOWING WAYS:
- paying of my debts (BBBBOOOOOORRRRRRRIIIIINNNNNGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!)
- outfitting my sweet pad in shit that make people puke they're so jealous
- buying a bike that doesn't make my legs cramp/spasm every time I hit a hill
- being able to purchase my friends wicked gifts

YOUR FINGERS BEING CROSSED ONLY MAKES IT MORE LIKELY THAT I WILL BUY YOU PREZZIES!!!!!!!!

In my night-tee!

How long has it been since YOU'VE been to the dentist?
For me, it was a cool 8+ years, that was finally met with a gracious gift of a trip to the dentist.
For the past 2 weeks now, I have been to the dentist more than a handful of times, and just yesterday we started the "repairative" treatments.
Not having been to the dentist for a prolonged period of time, I had thankfully forgotten all of the reasons why we fear the dentist.
But thanks to my recent visits, all of those fears have reappeared.
The second I sat down in "the chair," a dental dam type thing was shoved in my mouth, as the dentist told me:
"It's so that the loose bits of teeth that I drill out don't fall into your mouth, and you swallow them!"
DDUUHHH!!!!!
Freezing of my teeth took place.
Drilling also took place.
At one point, he stopped, made an audible sniffing noise, and questioned:
"Y'SMELL THAT??! THAT'S TOOTH DECAY!!"


Round #9586094802 is set for early February.
If you see me in the streets, buy me some jello - cool?!

WHO CHOSE THIS SNOOZEFEST!?!?!

When the announcer at President Obama's inauguration said "Please help us welcome a great American poet," my fingers were crossed that Snoop Dogg would roll out on stage....instead we got this:

http://www.elizabethalexander.net

SOMEONE BETTER GET FIRED FOR BOOKING HER!!!!!!!!!!!

People on deh subway be lookin'.....at your ugly boots!!

I always feel so defeated when winter comes around, and I'm forced to wear my big ol' winter boots.
Sure my feet are dry, and yeah - I still have all ten of my toes!
When you think about it, the "boot industry" must be a pretty tough place to make a living, as I've only really ever seen a handful of boots that I would rather wear than puke in!
Every morning, as I get ready to go to work, I usually put some amount of effort into my appearance - only to have it completely destroyed by the hideous things on my feet.....
The other three seasons of the year are fantastic. You have sandals when it's warm out. You have rubber boots when it's raining, and you have running shoes when you want to appear like you go to the gym as a career.
Warm, non-boot wearing weather cannot come soon enough.

"THIS IS MY JAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAM!!!!!"

Being 3 hours early for work is kind of wicked.
I'm sitting here in my slippers, listening to The Essential HEART, mindin' my own bizzzz!
I could be peein'/doin' it/snoopin' on other peoples desks - AND THEY WOULDN'T BE THE WISER!!!!!!

I have also compiled a list of hobbies to undertake in the year 2009:
- the building / completion of several spectacular terrariums
- cowl making
- open an etsy site to "get rid of" the stuff I make all year long

Ï don't trust the meat...."

I don't know where this phenomenon started, but the whole "parent taking a picture of your naked child in the bathtub" thing...and now with the internet around, you're posting them on the internet for creeps like me to add them to their blog??!?!?!
Personally, I've seen pictures of both my brother, and I, in our childhood bathtub.
I had this awful bowlcut, and a remarkable bathing suit line tan.
My brother had these hilarious bubbles emmitting from the tub, which leads me to believe that he was passing gas at the time the photo was taken.
WHATEVER FLOATS YER BOAT, DUDE!!!

The Duff ain't got nothin' on me!!

HAVE YOU BEEEEEN TO A WAL MART IN THE SUBURBS LATELY!?!?!?!?!?!!!
DUDE - IT'S THE SIZE OF 4 SUPERMARKETS, COMBINED!!
My mom almost got into a fist fight with another couple yesterday, while I was helping her shop for dish detergent.
As she puts it:
"They were a couple of 20somethings, and they came up right behind me and starting shrieking EXCUUUUSE ME!! EXCUUUSE ME!! YOU'RE BLOCKING THE AISLE!!!
To which I just turned around and said - I'MMMM SHHOPPPPPPIINNNGGGGG!!!!!"
The whole way home she went on an on about how my generation should be renamed the "ME GENERATION," as the majority of people in their 20s think they're the only people on the planet (I would have to agree, having spent a large quantity of my time around them), and their every whim should be responded to, and acted upon, IMMEDIATELY.
It's scary to think, but I almost 100% agree with my mom, and her hatred for "the younger generation."
A perfect example involving myself happened last week, when I was attempting to make it to the subway on the coldest day of the year.
A gaggle of 20somethings were walking in a big jumble towards me.
Naturally (you would think!), the reaction of the big group would be:
"huh..there's ONE person approaching, we better split up our huge brat-pack, and make way for her to get past!"
Instead...I was pretty much pushed into the snow drift because none of them wanted to break up their conversation about how THEY COULDN'T WAAAAIIITTTT to check out the new shipment of leggings at American Apparel.....ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!

SLOTH SATURDAY!!!!!!!!!!! (I am fully recovered from the natural disaster that was - BLACKOUT 2009)

I've been sitting on my parents' couch allll morning, reading the paper, and eating bran muffins, and the only traffic outside of their window has been a pair of fiercly dressed pugs.
NO CARS, NO TRUCKS, NO DRUNK COLLEGE GIRLS WEARING INAPPROPRIATE FOOTWEAR, NO HOBOS TOWING SHOPPING CARTS FULL OF REFUNDABLE GLASS BOTTLES!
NOTHING!!!!!
JUST PUGS - WEARING MATCHING PINK AND BLUE NORTH FACE PUPPY JACKETS!



PEACE OUT, Y'ALL - I'M OFF TO BUY PRODUCTS THAT OAKVILLE, ONTARIO HAS TO OFFER ME!

I may be missing the Monster Truck Rally this weekend...

BUT GUESS WHO JUST PURCHASED TICKETS FOR ANDREW WK WHEN HE ROLLS THROUGH TOWN ON FEBRUARY 5th!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!!!!!!!!!

"hey....good blackout!"

I probably put olive oil under my armpits, instead of deodorant.
I probably packed a chunk of spinach for lunch, instead of one of my shitty frozen dinners.
I'm probably wearing embarrassingly stained tights, and a skirt with previous deodorant stains on it....hopefully people at work just think to themselves:
"huh - she must be one of those poor souls that the blackout affected. I should buy her lunch"
FINGERS CROSSED!!
MY WAVY HAIR AND I WILL KEEP YOU POSTED!!

COME AND WATCH ME "VOLUTEER" MY TIME WITH CUPCAKES!!!

People are saying it's "cold" outside....

I'm sure there have been endless articles written about "subway etiquette," but SHHIIITTTT, guy!!
I understand that you woke up late, and you haven't had your morning coffee - but being a bitch with a huge shoulder bag IS NOT, who doesn't want to hold the subway railing like a minion, so you sway back and forth, and jam your stupid heels into my foot when the subway jerks to a halt, IS NOTmaking me feel sympathy for you.
AND ANOTHER THING!!!
Is it really necessary for Bay Street dude to read A WHOLE NEWSPAPER on a crowded car?!? like....a Globe and Mail - NOT JUST A METRO...A WHOLE FREAKIN' PAPER!!!
DO THAT AN HOUR FROM NOW WHEN YOU BUY YOUR $9 COFFEE, AND SIT IN YOUR BIG OL' EXECUTIVE OFFICE, DUDE!!!!!!!!!

"HAVE YOU READ MY BLLAAAAHHHWWGGG!??!! READ MY BLLAAAHHHWWGG!!!"

Since the beginning of the year, I've been finding myself reconnecting with friends, who for one reason or another, I didn't get to see enough of in 2008. It's comforting to know that even if you're not constantly interacting, face to face with people who you want to develop deep friendships with, they're still around for you when that time has finally come.
Inevitably though, one of the first things out of mouth is always:
"DUUUDE - I KNOW WE HAVEN'T SEEN EACH OTHER IN EONS, BUT HAVE YOU BEEN READING MY BLOG!?!?!"



Changing my ringtone to my favourite ELO song has been, hands down, the best decision I have ever made.

QUESTION!!! (Sloth Friday too, yo!!!)

So I have a slight dilemma that I'm hoping someone has the answer to.
I live in this apartment complex-type housing unit, where our mailboxes are situated just outside our main entrance (which happens to be on a very busy, urban street).
The other tenants and I access our mailboxes with individual keys, meant to open our apartments individual mailbox.
Simple, right?
Simple until my key snapped in half, and I can't open my mailbox anymore!!!!!
Do I talk to my landlord about getting a new key, or do I have to get put on hold by 12 Canada Post employees before I get a response?!?!


NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!

ME IN 30 YEARS

So far my New Years resolutions have been kept.
Going to the gym daily, reading on the subway instead of listening to my iPod, and taking my vitamins several times a day.
Remember when I was a booze guzzling, pizza eating, loud mouth?!?
2009 is welcoming me as a fibre capsule-swallowin', spinach inhaling bookworm.


HOLLA!!!!!!!!!!!!

"UNLESS YOU CAN, LIKE....CHANGE YOUR PERSONALITY....."

I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO LIKE SHIT LIKE THIS!!!!!!

Amy Emel!
I am in the midst of making you the card of all birthday cards!!!
NEVER BEFORE HAS A BIRTHDAY CARD BEEN SO INVOLVED, AND INTRICATE....EXCEPT FOR MAYBE THOSE GREETING CARDS THAT ARE HANDCRAFTED BY BLIND, 3rd WORLD CHILDREN, AND ARE THEN SOLD AT FALL FAIRS, THAT ALL MOMS SEEM TO GO APESHIT OVER
:(
SORRY TO TOTALLY PSYCH YOU OUT, AMY!!!

My birthday be comin' up - BUY ME ONE OF THE FOLLOWING: SLOTH FRIDAAAYY!!!!!!!!

MAKE YOU WHINE LIKE IT BE 2009!!!!

One super crowded "pay us $5 to mingle with Queen West West West West" house party later (thnx for the endless bowl of Mike & Ike's, and the endless parade of American Apparel chicks "lettin' loose," as Anna and I sit back in wheelchairs, dudes), I have forged through to be one of billions of people on this planet experiencing the year - 2009!

As much as you'd like to call bullshit on my resolution, I've already signed myself up at ze local YMCA, and I've even been so gung-ho as to highlight the high-impact/cyclefit/boxercise/ashtanga yoga classes I would like to plunk myself into, every single night of the week (minus weekends; that's when I'll be blendin' my poutine shakes, and drinking them from a glass of butter).

HAPPY FIRST SLOTH FRIDAY OF 2009, BROS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!