On a lighter note....

NO WONDER I DIG SWEET RIFFS!!!!!!!!!!!!

It feels like I've failed the world wide web, with my sporadic updates this past week.

You've had to search "the Googles" for your very own Friday-themed sloth montage.
Wondering what I scored on Christmas Day has been a mystery until this very moment!!!

WAS THERE A Wii UNDER DEH McLAREN TREE!?!?!?!?!?

2008 - in retrospect - has been a year of understanding/growing old, and filling my brain with "life experiences", and can be directly related to the gift I received from my parents: FINALLY.....a trip to the dentist!!!

An electric toothbrush, some fly "lounge wear" from Roots, and a trip to the dentist - 2009, HERE I COME!!!

I'm pretty sure the electric toothbrush is around to symbolize chipping away at unnecessary bullshit that's currently taking up too much of my highly desired time.

The sweat suit?!? Maybe it was given to me as a kick in the pants that I need to get myself motivated enough to go back to the gym. My lard ass has been growing it's own lard ass lately, and if I keep that up - I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO GET A Wii!!! IT WON'T FIT IN THE SAME ROOM AS ME!!!!!

And lastly - the dentist.

A journey that I have been asking for for almost 10 years now.

Thankfully, I was born with teeth that don't look like they're trying to escape my mouth. But I want to keep them looking that way, so there's the occasional bout of upkeep involved.

What's been surprisingly, the most interesting observation over the holiday season, is what I did with a Winners gift card that I received over Christmas.

Instead of buying ANOTHER cardigan, or blowing it on underwear that I don't wear outside, I responsibly purchased towels (Egyptian cotton, yo), and a shoe organizer that hangs over my closet door!

I'm even thinking about going back, and buying wooden hangers.

GROWN UP HANGERS!

SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT, GUYS!!!

CATCH UP, OR MY RRSP YEARLY OVERVIEW WILL LEAVE Y'ALL IN THE DUST!

WE DIDN'T GO TO NO CASINO :(

DUE TO THE STUPID SNOW, WE CANCELLED OUR TRIP TO THE LAND OF POSSIBILITIES, SO SECONDARY PLANS HAD TO BE MADE.

THOSE PLANS INCLUDED TREKKING TO A LESBIAN BAR, ON THE OFF CHANCES THAT BUSY RAMONE FROM READY OR NOT WAS GOING TO BE DOING AN IMPROMPTU SET OF HER "CRAZY, FEMINIST-BASED DRUM CIRCLE BEST."

FINAL VERDICT: SCREW YOU, BUSY!!!!!!!!

I HAD MY BUTT FONDLED, AND COMPLIMENTS THROWN MY WAY (GROSS!!!!!!) FROM EVERY DIRECTION, JUST TO SEE YOU GET UP ON THE BAR, AND LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT, SMELLIN' LIKE PATCHOULI!!!!!!!!!!!

BUT NO!!!

SOMEONE DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE THEIR 1994 LAYER, SO YOU DECIDED TO STAY HOME. SAY HI TO THE FUN LOVIN' CRIMINALS FOR ME!!!!

THE NEXT DAY I ATTENDED A PARTY WHERE IT ENDED UP FEELING LIKE I BABYSAT 90% OF THE ATTENDANTS.

IT'S KIND OF GROSS WHEN YOU SEE A 19 YEAR OLD HITTING ON A MID-30SOMETHING YEAR OLD - BUT I GUESS WHEN FREE BOOZE IS INVOLVED, IT'S EASIER TO NOT LOOK LIKE THAT TOTAL CREEP ACCEPTING THE STIFF ADVANCES OF A TEEN.

THIS WEEK TOTALLY INVOLVES ME HANGING OUT AT A RETIREMENT HOME, AND CHILLIN' WITH OUR FAMILY FRIEND, GENE WALLIS!!!!

THIS BITCH HAS STYLE 'TILL THE COWS COME HOME.

SHE WEARS THESE MARABOU HIGH HEEL-TYPE SLIPPER THINGS, DESPITE HAVING TO WALK WITH A HIDEOUS OL' WALKER.

I'LL TRY AND HAVE AN IMPROMPTU "GENE WALLIS PHOTO SESSION" WHEN SHE GRACES MY PRESENCE ON FRIDAY.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, Y'ALL!!!!!

WE GOIN' TO NIAGARA!!!!!!!!!!!

Once Friday rolls around, I will be hopping on a casino bus, filled to the brim with gamblers and people escaping the daily Toronto grind, to the land of all-you-can-eat breakfast buffets.

NIAGARA FALLS!!!!!!!!!!

I totally "splurged" (re: I found some wicked cheap deal on the internet), and got us a King sized suite with a hot tub!

HOT TUBBIN'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If all goes according to my dream plan, we'll be eating Little Ceasers in our bed (big enough for 10), drinkin' 40oz in the tub, and peeing in the hotel pool ALLLL WEEKEND!

Plus playing a bit o' the slots, in case I have one of those wicked casino runs, where I put in a toonie, and win $60!

PINA COLADAS FOR EVERYONE!!!!

SLOTH FRIDAY ON A LAZY SUNDAY!!!!!!!!!!!

*I apologize for the super serious, and total downer of a link today - but I honestly couldn't stop watching this episode, due to the horrendous amount of pain this whole family must have gone though.....I PROMISE TO BE MY REGULAR CAREFREE, AND INSULTING SELF TOMORROW!!!!!*

Picture 'Dis!

I just came back from running an errand at work, that had me down near Yonge/Dundas.

I'm turning the corner onto a not-so-busy street, and out of an alley, peels this souped up mini bus BLARING Tom Petty's "Last Dance with Mary Jane" - INCLUDING THE SICK GUITAR SOLO, DAWG!!!!!!

Dude's first impression egged me to take a closer look at his sweet ride.

Hanging from the rear view mirror was a car deodorizer in the shape of one of those mud flap girls.

MEDIOCRE...

Personally, I was expecting a bit more. You know, maybe that sticker of Calvin (from Calvin & Hobbes) peeing into a badass puddle, or "MY OTHER RIDE IS YOUR WIFE!".....MAKE ME QUESTION AUTHORITY, BRO!!!!!

BUT THEN!!!!!!!!

IT HAPPENED!

I've been dreaming of a situation like the one I saw today, ever since I was a young camp-goer, and our bus driver had forever memorable ankle tattoo of Tweety bird in a compromising position.

The feminine, and ever-classy specimen sporting this tattoo made me gag with appreciation, and perhaps she's the reason I've become a human being with a disgusting amount of tattoos, when compared to your average female living in this day and age.

I've never been so taken aback by someone with the sole purpose of transporting me somewhere.

BACK TO THE STORY!!!!

Tweety bird, you say?!

This time, he wasn't in tattoo form, on some damn cankle, but was AIRBRUSHED ONTO THE SIDE OF CHUMP'S BUS!!!!!!!!!!!

NOT ONLY WAS HE JUST HANGIN' OUT ON THE SIDE OF THE BUS THOUGH!

HOMIE WAS ENJOYING SOME OF THE FINEST KUSH, HOUSED IN A SYLVESTER THE CAT THEMED BONG....

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Y'all have got NOTHING on Earl the bus driver!!!

HAVE YOU BEEN TO WWW.PAULYSHORE.COM!!?!?!??!

"ENGLISH MUFFIN PIZZAS FOR DINNER...AGAIN!?!?!?"

I don't know what it is about My Chemical Romance....maybe it's their similarity (in a way) to being kind of like a next generation Queen - BUT THEY'RE KIND OF IN MY TOP TEN, GUYS!!!!

Few concerts have I attended, where I find myself (mid-song) pumping my fists, while surrounded by squealing teens - and not wanting to rip out my reproductive organs.

I remember the first time I was asked the question "YO DUDE - WHO WOULD PERFORM AT YOUR DREAM CONCERT?! ANY ERA - ANY GENRE! GO NUTS!!"

I distinctly remember the first dude that asked me this question - we were both camp counsellors, and I have a feeling he was sussing me out, trying to figure out my "cool factor," and how dull his summer would end up being.

SORRY SPORT CHEK!

To my defence, his "dream line up" found Bob Marley jammin' with Dave Matthews, with a side of Bob Dylan.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

MY DREAM CONCERT LINE UP WOULD INCLUDE:

- Andrew WK (who, when not on stage bleeding from his face, would be chillin' with me, watching pig races, and drinking sangria)

- Afrika Bambaataa

- My Chemical Romance

- Captain Beefheart (only come on to perform "Abba Zabba," as I kind of hate all of the other stuff)

- Black Flag (Henry Rollins era, DUH!)

- Queen

- The Fat Boys

- Slayer (only their epic jams though - I don't want a big snooze fest taking over my party!)

- John Legend (SO H-O-T!!!!!!!!!!)

- The B-52's, only to be joined by Biggie, dressed in a ridiculously outfit

WHATTABEYOURTOPTEN!?!??!

Wii ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS THIS SEASON IS A Wii - SO THAT I MAY GARNISH A NEW HOBBY, THAT INVOLVES ME PLAYING TENNIS IN FRONT OF MY TELEVISION!!!!!!!!!!

THIS SHIRTLESS GUY WHO IS HOVERING OVER MY WORDS, IS CLAIMING THAT HE LOST A BUNCH OF CHUB, SIMPLY FROM BUYING HIS Wii!!!!

"FROM COUCH POTATO TO Wii MUSCLEMAN"....I COULD LIVE WITH THAT TITLE!!!!!!!

SO I GUESS MY NEXT STEP IS THIS:

DEAREST INTERNET COMMUNITY,

Y'ALL KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!!!!!!!! I WILL BE HALTING MY BLOG POSTS UNTIL I AM PRESENTED WITH A Wii OF MY VERY OWN! PLEASE INCLUDE THE FOLLOWING GAMES (FICTIONAL, OR NOT):

- Wii HANGIN' WITH ANDREW WK AND HENRY ROLLINS AT THE SPA

- Wii SUPERMARKET SWEEP

- Wii BUMPER STUMPERS

- Wii KIDSTREET

- Wii THE LITTLEST HOBO

ALL THE BEST (UNTIL I DON'T GET MY Wii - THEN I'LL BE GOING BATSHIT ON ALL Y'ALL),

ALEXIS!!!!!!!!!

EVEN SLOTHS CLICK ON THE LINK ATTACHED TO THIS TITLE!!!! SLOTH FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GGUUUEESSSS WWWHHHAATTT TOOMMOORRRRROOWWW ISSSSSS!?!?!?!?!!!

BEDAZZLED JEANS MEET THE HEADBAND!!!

Several worlds collided last night, as I was graciously invited to be someones plus one at the event of the year......SAMANTHA RONSON (fingers crossed for Lindsay Lohan, because really now - who wants just the former?!?!!) DJs IN FRONT OF A CROWD OF PEOPLE THAT DON'T KNOW HOW TO DRESS THEMSELVES!!!!!!!!!!
Frat boys, American Apparel employees, ~*~*bubblez_69*~*~@hotmail.com, and all those that're too old to be "partying" with the latter, but are too weighed down in their date rape drugs to notice - EEERRR'BODY WAS PRESENT AT THIS GEM OF AN EVENT LAST NIGHT!!!!
The DJs prior to Ms. Ronson sounded like they stayed up sssuuuuuppper late one night, and taped their set off of Z103.5 (minus the DMX song, I liked that one!) but the real disappointment had nothing to do with the star of the event.
It was the lame crowd, full of overly stimulated babies that really irked me.
Between the teen girls who wore full-priced Urban Outfitters made-to-order outfits, and the 40 year old woman, who reminded me of Kim Cattrell in her "pant suit w/ exposed bra" phase, who was furiously hitting on me (FREE SMIRNOFF ICE FOR THE FAT CHICK IN THE BACK!!!!!) I had too much to take in, in order to do a proper "report back to you" blog entry!
Next time I'm put in a situation where I'm standing next to a VIP roped off leather couch area full of Bay Street movers and shakers, that look like they're strung out on PCP, I'll remember what I am fond of in life - SLOTHS AND ICE CREAM!!!

THE HOLIDAY SEASON IS RIPE, Y'ALL!!!

That time of year has totally started, where I go out in the real world to buy my family, and loved ones Christmas presents, and I find things for myself instead.
How badly has this mass shopping binge made me want a locket made out of hair?!?!?
http://www.artofmourning.com/
WHY DOES THERE HAVE TO BE A FLAGSHIP STORE THAT ONLY SELLS FOOTWEAR DEDICATED TO BOTH GARDENING, AND LOOKING LIKE A TURD - YET I HAVE TO RESORT TO USING MY CREDIT CARD TO GET GEMS LIKE THIS!?
I have decided that I am going to pursue my desire to be in a band again.
If you have yet to hear the hilarious story involve myself, High Park, and two girls doing their best "Robin Black" - let me spare you!

I HOPE THEY'RE GLAD THE 90s WERE AROUND!!

102.1 THE EDGE HAS NOT PLAYED A SONG THAT WAS NOT MADE IN THE 90s FOR OVER AN HOUR NOW!!!!

I'M CHILLIN' IN MY PYJAMAS ON A SUNDAY, WANTING TO KNOW WHAT THE KIDS LISTEN TO - AND APPARENTLY IT'S WHAT I LISTENED TO...WHEN I WAS A KID!!

ISN'T THEIR WHOLE "SCHTICK" CENTRED AROUND BEING THE NEW ALTERNATIVE MUSIC STATION, WITH A BITCHIN' STREET LEVEL STUDIO!?!

MAYBE THEY'RE STILL REVELLING FROM THAT CHILLY FEBRUARY DAY BACK IN 1996 WHEN MY PIMPLY, OVERWEIGHT TEEN SELF BOUNDED INTO THEIR STUDIO AND TOUCHED ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING I COULD?!

SHHHIIIITTTTT MAN - I NEED TO GET DRESSED TO START MY DAY, AND MY TEENAGED SOUL (WHICH IS IN HIGH GEAR RIGHT NOW - THANKS EDGE 102!) IS TELLING ME TO THROW ON A PAIR OF AIRWALKS, AND SOME RAVE PANTS!

THE WATCHMEN!?!?!?

YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

UPDATE:

SCOOBY SNACKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(I think I realized that I'm totally the demographic that they're trying to grab.....mission: possible)

CUBBY 4 PREZ!!!

DUDES - I apologize for posting pictures of hilarious Abecrombies , but now that I am full of bacon and toast, I am ready to re-tell last night's adventures, as they were truly meant to be told!
9:00pm: Hopped into a cab, as I was late to meet up with my posse with impeccable style. Anderson and Sanderson!
9:01pm: Realized that I had been granted the opportunity to sit in THE CAB OF ALL CABS.

I've puked in my fair share of cabs over the years, so I've seen the ins and outs of

"what's hot" in the department of accessorizing your cab:

- Flat screen TVs showing "The Princess Bride" in order to appease the squealing honies on their way to deh club.

SEEN IT!

- Little baskets of complimentary mints dangling from the driver's seat head rest (probably riddled with tracings of PCP, and cat urine, but who's going to give up such a kind gesture?!)

ALREADY ATE THEM!

BUT LAST NIGHT WAS MONUMENTAL!

I entered a cab that trumped all of my previously PIMPED OUT cab experiences!!

I had stepped....into a cab....driven by.....A LED ZEPPELIN FREAK!!!!

Bro had souped up his audio system to include a satellite radio station that ONLY played Led Zeppelin. No Matchbox Twenty. No Great Big Sea. No Roxette. JUST TOTES LED ZEP!!

Before I had even really gotten comfortable, he swung his big fat ol' head to face me and gurgled "YOU LIKE ZEPPELIN, YA?!"

This genius had purple Christmas lights on his steering wheel, and had his window down the whole ride BELLOWING "Immigrant Song" (from a live recording, no doubt!)

SWEET DEAL!!!

I tipped the dude generously, as I was sure nothing else would top his performance of the evening.

9:12pm: scarf down a Russell Stovers chocolate, to calm my self down from that psychedelic cab experience.

9:30pm: Inhale second hand smoke, drink gin, and fall in love with YouTube starlet, Cubby (hover your stupid little arrow over the title of this blog entry, and see for yourself!)

12:00am-ish: The gaggle and I make our way to the Tranzac, where Marco's band(s) do their thing.

12:12am: I order this stank beer, in my attempt to be exotic when it comes to my beer selection

12:46am: Some pot-bellied man wearing a silk shirt and a Frankenstein mask, is gyrating in my vicinity while I try and choke back my sludgy beer.

1:20am: Our attempts to enter into the Brunswick House (strictly experimental.........OK?!) are cut short by some chump security guard, telling us that they're full.

1:21am: As we walk away puzzled, AND TOTALLY PISSED (We'd watched Limp Bizkit's "Break Stuff" before leaving the house) we concoct a better explanation as to why they're not letting us in.

1:30am: I depart from the crew, as they're in the mood to spit on frosh at Dance Cave (and if my wallet hadn't been ravaged the week previous, leaving me with my driver's license, I would have TOTALLY have joined in!)

2:11am: ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

I WAS JUST DENIED ACCESS TO THE BRUNSWICK HOUSE!!!!!!!

When did gmail give me the option of being a total girl!?!?! SLOTH FRIDAAAAYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CAN'T YOU JUST PICTURE THE FIRST GUY PLAYING "THE ENTERTAINER" FOR YOU IN SOME TROPICAL SALOON!?!?!?!?!

I'D BE EATING SOME SWEET TRIPLE DECKER GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH, FROM OUT OF THE CORNER OF MY EYE, JOSE THE THREE FINGERED SLOTH WOULD SAUNTER UP TO THE PIANO, LOOKING ALL FINE AND STUFF!!!!

YOU KNOW THE TYPE! DON'T FRONT! HE'D BE ALL "AH CHA CHA CHA!!!," AND TIPPING THE WAITER WAY TOO MUCH!! EVEN THOUGH HE PLAYS THE FUCKIN' PIANO FOR CHUMPS LIKE ME - IN A SALOON! IN THE RAINFOREST!

AND THEN, BUTTERCUP (AKA - THE SLOTH CHILLIN' IN THE WICKER HAMMOCK, FEATURED ABOVE) WOULD TOTALLY COME OUT FROM BEHIND THIS VELVET CURTAIN, AND DO THESE SEDUCTIVE SLOTH MOVES!

HOT!!!!!!!!

WHATEVER!

IT'S "calienté," DUUUUHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Because our economy is going through some rough times, I've decided to do my part for society.

Instead of going home after work, and sulking into a deep plate of sour cream laden nachos, I SIGNED MYSELF UP FOR A CLINICAL RESEARCH STUDY!!!!!

I'm not sure what prompted me to tell my mom about my latest financial endeavours - as the story goes, I get fistfuls of cash in exchange for them pumping weirdo pills into me - but it's safe to say, the woman who bore me in her sweet womb for 9months wasn't too pleased to hear my news.

Dearest friends, family, and others - please relax, and trust that I know what my oddly shaped body can, and cannot handle.

I have specifically chosen this study, as it is deemed in my mind, "child's play."

As any student-themed lifestyle livin' semi-adult, I read the classified section in the weeklies from time to time.

I see the studies egging you into taking uncertified allergy medication.

Or the studies involving pet dander, and it's direct correlation with your blood stream.

DUDES - I'M NOT SLOW!

Myyyyyyyyy study - will see me ingesting ONE dosage of Ritalin, and then once the physician thinks it's time, THEY FEED ME JUNK FOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SORRY GUYS - LIFE BELONGS TO ME THIS TIME!!!

CLINICAL RESEARCH (SLOTH FRIDAY ON A TUESDAY!!!!!)

BACON CLOUD!!!!!!!(be warned)

THINK BONGZILLA, BUT MIXED WITH THIS LEDERHOSENED BARN YARD ANIMAL:

STYLISTA IS ON TONIGHT!
FROM THE PROMOS IT LOOKS LIKE DANIELLE HAS A "FAT CHICK IN A SKINNY GIRL'S WORLD" BREAK DOWN!!!!
I CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!!!!
SMIRNOFF CAME OUT WITH A MOJITO COCKTAIL MIX!?!?!?!?!??!

I WAS SENT A FREE BAR OF SOAP IN THE MAIL TODAY!?!?!?!!?!??!?!

THE ONLY THING I'M ASKING FOR FOR CHRISTMAS IS A TRIP TO THE DENTIST!?!?!?!?!

I'M THE ONLY APARTMENT IN MY COMPLEX WITHOUT SOME FORM OF FESTIVE DOORMAT!?!??!?!



WHAT HAVEN'T YOU LEARNED FROM THIS BLOG YET?

This is some way back shit!!!!

MY 4-H GOIN', MONTREAL LIVIN', LADY FOOT PERVIN' FRIEND, GRAHAM LESLIE, DREW THIS MASTERPIECE BACK IN THE DAYS OF YORE.

I WILL BE FOREVER PROUD TO CALL THIS YOUNG MAN A FRIEND, AS HE HAS MORE TALENT THAN HE KNOWS WHAT TO DO WITH - THIS GUY INTIMIDATES THE SHIT OUT OF ME FOR THAT REASON, BUT I THINK I SCARE HIM TOO (DUH!!!), SO WE COO'.

HEY GRAHAM,

READ MY DAMN BLOG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ROYAL AGRICULTURAL WINTER FAIR: 3.5 GOATS OUT OF A FLOCK OF 5!!!!!!

From the time that I was a chubby, spoiled little quasi-rich girl, until now, my mom and I have had this tradition of going to the Royal Winter Fair every year.

My mom leaves her sheltered neighbourhood of SUVs, and pure bred dogs, and makes the trek to the "mean streets" of Queen/John, where she picks me up from work.

She'll ooooh and aaahhh about the same weird things that downtown Toronto has to offer:

"DOES THAT GIRL HAVE GREEN HAIR?!?!"

"IS THAT A BOY KISSING ANOTHER....BOY!??!!?"

"WWHHHAATTTT>....HOT DOGS!??! SOLD ON THE SIDE OF THE STREET!??!?!?!"

So by the time we get to the exhibition grounds, I'm ready to immerse myself back into the culture that I ran away from when I didn't live in Toronto:

Rich white girls whining to their mothers about how their horse doesn't have all of the latest horsey accessories, and how they're going to lose their shit if mom doesn't buy it for them RIGHT THE FUCK NOW!

Of course the Royal has other stuff going for it.

Canada's biggest Pumpkin?! NO SHIT!

An information booth dedicated to Ontario Wines?!? SHUT UP!!!

AND THE FOOOD!?!?!?! I mean, who wouldn't love shredded potatoes underneath a comforting blanket of shredded cheese and pillowly dollops of sour cream (!!!!!!)

AND WHAT ABOUT THE MA'FUCKIN' SUPERDOGS?!?!?

(sidenote: during the SUPERDOGS show, I looked over on the sidelines, and peered into the sound booth, and perhaps saw the most bored looking early twentysomething year old boy that perhaps has ever lived. He had one of those hacky-sack beards, and he was one of those dudes that looks like they wear baggy khaki pants everyday, for the rest of their life - draaaag)

But I don't know if it's my sweet ass, or what it is, but the overprivileged youth just seem to always be whining to their parents when I'm in earshot.

SOMETHING DIFFERENT HAPPENED THIS YEAR THOUGH!!!!

SOMETHING THAT HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE AT THE ROYAL WINTER FAIR!!!!!

SOMETHING SO EXCITING THAT HOARDS OF MIDDLE AGED WOMEN WERE LINING UP (FOR AT LEAST 15 MINUTES!!!!!!!!!) FOR IT!!!!!!!!!!

THE SHAMWOW GUY WAS THERE.......or so I thought!!!!

My mom (who's this crazy CFRB 1010 fan, for some reason) had been informed by her favourite radio station, that the infamous shamwow guy would be at the Royal this year, hocking his wares.

We make our way around to the different kiosks, selling everything from jams to arthritic pain relief - AND THEN WE SEE IT!!!!!

Hundreds of people are huddled around this one booth, and the scene I'm witnessing reminds me of a gaggle of pigeons all trying to feed off the same hot dog bun.

So I elbow my way through, until I'm at the front - I WAS REALLY GOING TO MEET THE SHAMWOW GUY!!!

Women are handing this guy fist fulls of $20 - in exchange for these "shamwows," until.....wait a minute.....why does his booth only say WOW, and not SHAMWOW!?!?!

And - THAT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE THE SHAMWOW INFOMERCIAL GUY!?!?!

NOWHERE ON THE KIOSK DOES IT ACTUALLY SAY "SHAMWOW"!!!!!!!!!!

People were eating out of this guys hands, A TOTAL HACK - claiming to be the shamwow guy!!!!!

I exit the crowd, and explain to my mom that Santa doesn't exist this year at the fair. Maybe next year, mom.

DESOLE!

The idiots clutching their fake shamwows for the rest of the day were our main source of entertainment.

We would overhear conversations about how great of a deal they were, and how they had purchased one for everyone in the family.

HAVE FUN USING A MEDIOCRE SHAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Good day at the fair.

See y'all next year!

SLOTH FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!

Anna reminds me of the best things that life has to offer....

Jack Cafferty could live in that thing!

Victoria's Secret is being accused of manufacturing bras responsible for injuring customers, causing rashes, hives and even permanent scarring, according to a lawsuit filed in Ohio.
37-year old Roberta Ritter filed the lawsuit against the company May 14, claiming the Angels Secret Embrace and Very Sexy Extreme Me Push-Up bras she purchased made skin erupt in red, itchy welts.
In an interview with ABC News, Ritter complained, "I had the welts ... very red, hot to the touch, extremely inflamed, blistery. It itched profusely. I couldn't sleep, waking up itching."
Ritter's lawyers they had similar bras tested at a lab which revealed they contained formaldehyde.
A Victoria's Secret spokesperson said the company is investigating the complaints and released this statement:
"We are sorry that a small number of people have had an issue and we want to help them determine the cause. Customer safety and satisfaction are always our primary concerns and we take seriously any issues our customers may have with our products."
Ritter's lawyers claims they've been contacted by dozens of other women who have experienced similar problems and hope to be part of a class action lawsuit.

***DISCLAIMER***
AS IF I HAD THE TIME TO SIT DOWN AND WRITE A "NEWS STYLE" STORY ABOUT SOME BITCH WHO HAD AN ALLERGIC REACTION TO A DEVICE THAT'S AROUND SO THAT DUDES CAN LOOK DOWN YOUR SHIRT!?!?!?!?

I TOTALLY STOLE THE ABOVE ARTICLE FROM KTLA.COM
THANKS CHUMPS!!!!!!!!! SEE Y'ALL AT THE CHRISTMAS PARTY!!!!!!

Two local establishments that have since moved on from being my neighbours (R.I.P little buddies)

The U Done Know Lounge

Picture this: Neighbourhood bar, the owner was born in the island of Jamaica, but is extremely well-traveled and cultured. His current bar staff are very diversified, and down-to-earth. The name is going to be changed to U Done Know Lounge, and the concept is a Queen Street West vibe.

Now...other than the whole "Queen West Vibe," it was actually this sweet hub where really hot dreads would hang 24/7.

The 12:30

The local hangout for those who preferred mouthwash to Patrone, and liked their bars to have Cool and Buzz on tap. If you were to bring a group of more than 5, the bartender would have to bust out the wine glasses, in order for everyone in your party to drink from a glass.

Songs that you used to make you go nuts in high school, that now make you dry heave in embarassment........311!!!

So this is my epic-fuckin' foray into this here bloggin' world, ya dig?!

A calm, and relaxing way for me to get through the day without burning holes in the backs of peoples heads that I hate.

DAY ONE:
The colder the temperature gets, the dumber/more aggressive/scary the people who use the TTC get.

This morning, I retired my bike, in favour of taking the popular 8:30am train Eastbound to St.George.
I boarded, and was immediately shoved towards one of those 'brones that leans up against the whole subway pole. This bitch wasn't just gingerly holding onto the rail like the unspoken rules say you should - nope!!! She was doing the full on "I hope no one else needs to hold onto this pole as we jostle along to our destination - cause my privileged side needs aaalllllllll-o-dis" stance.

Needless to say, she got a good taste of my super large tote bag the whole time that we were standing next to one another.

OH HEY GIRL - SEE YOU TOMORROW!!!!!!!!

If there's a patient soul out there who's willing to explain to me how to put up YouTube videos, or how to not cluster all of your hilarious pictures at the top of the page (and instead, neatly scatter them throughout) - it'd be much appreciated!

I tried the whole "Help" link....but really?!

GOD, I'M DUMB!!