From the time that I was a chubby, spoiled little quasi-rich girl, until now, my mom and I have had this tradition of going to the Royal Winter Fair every year.
My mom leaves her sheltered neighbourhood of SUVs, and pure bred dogs, and makes the trek to the "mean streets" of Queen/John, where she picks me up from work.
She'll ooooh and aaahhh about the same weird things that downtown Toronto has to offer:
"DOES THAT GIRL HAVE GREEN HAIR?!?!"
"IS THAT A BOY KISSING ANOTHER....BOY!??!!?"
"WWHHHAATTTT>....HOT DOGS!??! SOLD ON THE SIDE OF THE STREET!??!?!?!"
So by the time we get to the exhibition grounds, I'm ready to immerse myself back into the culture that I ran away from when I didn't live in Toronto:
Rich white girls whining to their mothers about how their horse doesn't have all of the latest horsey accessories, and how they're going to lose their shit if mom doesn't buy it for them RIGHT THE FUCK NOW!
Of course the Royal has other stuff going for it.
Canada's biggest Pumpkin?! NO SHIT!
An information booth dedicated to Ontario Wines?!? SHUT UP!!!
AND THE FOOOD!?!?!?! I mean, who wouldn't love shredded potatoes underneath a comforting blanket of shredded cheese and pillowly dollops of sour cream (!!!!!!)
AND WHAT ABOUT THE MA'FUCKIN' SUPERDOGS?!?!?
(sidenote: during the SUPERDOGS show, I looked over on the sidelines, and peered into the sound booth, and perhaps saw the most bored looking early twentysomething year old boy that perhaps has ever lived. He had one of those hacky-sack beards, and he was one of those dudes that looks like they wear baggy khaki pants everyday, for the rest of their life - draaaag)
But I don't know if it's my sweet ass, or what it is, but the overprivileged youth just seem to always be whining to their parents when I'm in earshot.
SOMETHING DIFFERENT HAPPENED THIS YEAR THOUGH!!!!
SOMETHING THAT HAS NEVER HAPPENED BEFORE AT THE ROYAL WINTER FAIR!!!!!
SOMETHING SO EXCITING THAT HOARDS OF MIDDLE AGED WOMEN WERE LINING UP (FOR AT LEAST 15 MINUTES!!!!!!!!!) FOR IT!!!!!!!!!!
THE SHAMWOW GUY WAS THERE.......or so I thought!!!!
My mom (who's this crazy CFRB 1010 fan, for some reason) had been informed by her favourite radio station, that the infamous shamwow guy would be at the Royal this year, hocking his wares.
We make our way around to the different kiosks, selling everything from jams to arthritic pain relief - AND THEN WE SEE IT!!!!!
Hundreds of people are huddled around this one booth, and the scene I'm witnessing reminds me of a gaggle of pigeons all trying to feed off the same hot dog bun.
So I elbow my way through, until I'm at the front - I WAS REALLY GOING TO MEET THE SHAMWOW GUY!!!
Women are handing this guy fist fulls of $20 - in exchange for these "shamwows," until.....wait a minute.....why does his booth only say WOW, and not SHAMWOW!?!?!
And - THAT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE THE SHAMWOW INFOMERCIAL GUY!?!?!
NOWHERE ON THE KIOSK DOES IT ACTUALLY SAY "SHAMWOW"!!!!!!!!!!
People were eating out of this guys hands, A TOTAL HACK - claiming to be the shamwow guy!!!!!
I exit the crowd, and explain to my mom that Santa doesn't exist this year at the fair. Maybe next year, mom.
The idiots clutching their fake shamwows for the rest of the day were our main source of entertainment.
We would overhear conversations about how great of a deal they were, and how they had purchased one for everyone in the family.
HAVE FUN USING A MEDIOCRE SHAMMY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Good day at the fair.
See y'all next year!