On a lighter note....

NO WONDER I DIG SWEET RIFFS!!!!!!!!!!!!

It feels like I've failed the world wide web, with my sporadic updates this past week.

You've had to search "the Googles" for your very own Friday-themed sloth montage.
Wondering what I scored on Christmas Day has been a mystery until this very moment!!!

WAS THERE A Wii UNDER DEH McLAREN TREE!?!?!?!?!?

2008 - in retrospect - has been a year of understanding/growing old, and filling my brain with "life experiences", and can be directly related to the gift I received from my parents: FINALLY.....a trip to the dentist!!!

An electric toothbrush, some fly "lounge wear" from Roots, and a trip to the dentist - 2009, HERE I COME!!!

I'm pretty sure the electric toothbrush is around to symbolize chipping away at unnecessary bullshit that's currently taking up too much of my highly desired time.

The sweat suit?!? Maybe it was given to me as a kick in the pants that I need to get myself motivated enough to go back to the gym. My lard ass has been growing it's own lard ass lately, and if I keep that up - I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO GET A Wii!!! IT WON'T FIT IN THE SAME ROOM AS ME!!!!!

And lastly - the dentist.

A journey that I have been asking for for almost 10 years now.

Thankfully, I was born with teeth that don't look like they're trying to escape my mouth. But I want to keep them looking that way, so there's the occasional bout of upkeep involved.

What's been surprisingly, the most interesting observation over the holiday season, is what I did with a Winners gift card that I received over Christmas.

Instead of buying ANOTHER cardigan, or blowing it on underwear that I don't wear outside, I responsibly purchased towels (Egyptian cotton, yo), and a shoe organizer that hangs over my closet door!

I'm even thinking about going back, and buying wooden hangers.

GROWN UP HANGERS!

SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT, GUYS!!!

CATCH UP, OR MY RRSP YEARLY OVERVIEW WILL LEAVE Y'ALL IN THE DUST!

WE DIDN'T GO TO NO CASINO :(

DUE TO THE STUPID SNOW, WE CANCELLED OUR TRIP TO THE LAND OF POSSIBILITIES, SO SECONDARY PLANS HAD TO BE MADE.

THOSE PLANS INCLUDED TREKKING TO A LESBIAN BAR, ON THE OFF CHANCES THAT BUSY RAMONE FROM READY OR NOT WAS GOING TO BE DOING AN IMPROMPTU SET OF HER "CRAZY, FEMINIST-BASED DRUM CIRCLE BEST."

FINAL VERDICT: SCREW YOU, BUSY!!!!!!!!

I HAD MY BUTT FONDLED, AND COMPLIMENTS THROWN MY WAY (GROSS!!!!!!) FROM EVERY DIRECTION, JUST TO SEE YOU GET UP ON THE BAR, AND LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT, SMELLIN' LIKE PATCHOULI!!!!!!!!!!!

BUT NO!!!

SOMEONE DIDN'T WANT TO LEAVE THEIR 1994 LAYER, SO YOU DECIDED TO STAY HOME. SAY HI TO THE FUN LOVIN' CRIMINALS FOR ME!!!!

THE NEXT DAY I ATTENDED A PARTY WHERE IT ENDED UP FEELING LIKE I BABYSAT 90% OF THE ATTENDANTS.

IT'S KIND OF GROSS WHEN YOU SEE A 19 YEAR OLD HITTING ON A MID-30SOMETHING YEAR OLD - BUT I GUESS WHEN FREE BOOZE IS INVOLVED, IT'S EASIER TO NOT LOOK LIKE THAT TOTAL CREEP ACCEPTING THE STIFF ADVANCES OF A TEEN.

THIS WEEK TOTALLY INVOLVES ME HANGING OUT AT A RETIREMENT HOME, AND CHILLIN' WITH OUR FAMILY FRIEND, GENE WALLIS!!!!

THIS BITCH HAS STYLE 'TILL THE COWS COME HOME.

SHE WEARS THESE MARABOU HIGH HEEL-TYPE SLIPPER THINGS, DESPITE HAVING TO WALK WITH A HIDEOUS OL' WALKER.

I'LL TRY AND HAVE AN IMPROMPTU "GENE WALLIS PHOTO SESSION" WHEN SHE GRACES MY PRESENCE ON FRIDAY.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, Y'ALL!!!!!

WE GOIN' TO NIAGARA!!!!!!!!!!!

Once Friday rolls around, I will be hopping on a casino bus, filled to the brim with gamblers and people escaping the daily Toronto grind, to the land of all-you-can-eat breakfast buffets.

NIAGARA FALLS!!!!!!!!!!

I totally "splurged" (re: I found some wicked cheap deal on the internet), and got us a King sized suite with a hot tub!

HOT TUBBIN'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

If all goes according to my dream plan, we'll be eating Little Ceasers in our bed (big enough for 10), drinkin' 40oz in the tub, and peeing in the hotel pool ALLLL WEEKEND!

Plus playing a bit o' the slots, in case I have one of those wicked casino runs, where I put in a toonie, and win $60!

PINA COLADAS FOR EVERYONE!!!!

SLOTH FRIDAY ON A LAZY SUNDAY!!!!!!!!!!!

*I apologize for the super serious, and total downer of a link today - but I honestly couldn't stop watching this episode, due to the horrendous amount of pain this whole family must have gone though.....I PROMISE TO BE MY REGULAR CAREFREE, AND INSULTING SELF TOMORROW!!!!!*

Picture 'Dis!

I just came back from running an errand at work, that had me down near Yonge/Dundas.

I'm turning the corner onto a not-so-busy street, and out of an alley, peels this souped up mini bus BLARING Tom Petty's "Last Dance with Mary Jane" - INCLUDING THE SICK GUITAR SOLO, DAWG!!!!!!

Dude's first impression egged me to take a closer look at his sweet ride.

Hanging from the rear view mirror was a car deodorizer in the shape of one of those mud flap girls.

MEDIOCRE...

Personally, I was expecting a bit more. You know, maybe that sticker of Calvin (from Calvin & Hobbes) peeing into a badass puddle, or "MY OTHER RIDE IS YOUR WIFE!".....MAKE ME QUESTION AUTHORITY, BRO!!!!!

BUT THEN!!!!!!!!

IT HAPPENED!

I've been dreaming of a situation like the one I saw today, ever since I was a young camp-goer, and our bus driver had forever memorable ankle tattoo of Tweety bird in a compromising position.

The feminine, and ever-classy specimen sporting this tattoo made me gag with appreciation, and perhaps she's the reason I've become a human being with a disgusting amount of tattoos, when compared to your average female living in this day and age.

I've never been so taken aback by someone with the sole purpose of transporting me somewhere.

BACK TO THE STORY!!!!

Tweety bird, you say?!

This time, he wasn't in tattoo form, on some damn cankle, but was AIRBRUSHED ONTO THE SIDE OF CHUMP'S BUS!!!!!!!!!!!

NOT ONLY WAS HE JUST HANGIN' OUT ON THE SIDE OF THE BUS THOUGH!

HOMIE WAS ENJOYING SOME OF THE FINEST KUSH, HOUSED IN A SYLVESTER THE CAT THEMED BONG....

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Y'all have got NOTHING on Earl the bus driver!!!

HAVE YOU BEEN TO WWW.PAULYSHORE.COM!!?!?!??!

"ENGLISH MUFFIN PIZZAS FOR DINNER...AGAIN!?!?!?"

I don't know what it is about My Chemical Romance....maybe it's their similarity (in a way) to being kind of like a next generation Queen - BUT THEY'RE KIND OF IN MY TOP TEN, GUYS!!!!

Few concerts have I attended, where I find myself (mid-song) pumping my fists, while surrounded by squealing teens - and not wanting to rip out my reproductive organs.

I remember the first time I was asked the question "YO DUDE - WHO WOULD PERFORM AT YOUR DREAM CONCERT?! ANY ERA - ANY GENRE! GO NUTS!!"

I distinctly remember the first dude that asked me this question - we were both camp counsellors, and I have a feeling he was sussing me out, trying to figure out my "cool factor," and how dull his summer would end up being.

SORRY SPORT CHEK!

To my defence, his "dream line up" found Bob Marley jammin' with Dave Matthews, with a side of Bob Dylan.

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

MY DREAM CONCERT LINE UP WOULD INCLUDE:

- Andrew WK (who, when not on stage bleeding from his face, would be chillin' with me, watching pig races, and drinking sangria)

- Afrika Bambaataa

- My Chemical Romance

- Captain Beefheart (only come on to perform "Abba Zabba," as I kind of hate all of the other stuff)

- Black Flag (Henry Rollins era, DUH!)

- Queen

- The Fat Boys

- Slayer (only their epic jams though - I don't want a big snooze fest taking over my party!)

- John Legend (SO H-O-T!!!!!!!!!!)

- The B-52's, only to be joined by Biggie, dressed in a ridiculously outfit

WHATTABEYOURTOPTEN!?!??!

Wii ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!

ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS THIS SEASON IS A Wii - SO THAT I MAY GARNISH A NEW HOBBY, THAT INVOLVES ME PLAYING TENNIS IN FRONT OF MY TELEVISION!!!!!!!!!!

THIS SHIRTLESS GUY WHO IS HOVERING OVER MY WORDS, IS CLAIMING THAT HE LOST A BUNCH OF CHUB, SIMPLY FROM BUYING HIS Wii!!!!

"FROM COUCH POTATO TO Wii MUSCLEMAN"....I COULD LIVE WITH THAT TITLE!!!!!!!

SO I GUESS MY NEXT STEP IS THIS:

DEAREST INTERNET COMMUNITY,

Y'ALL KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!!!!!!!! I WILL BE HALTING MY BLOG POSTS UNTIL I AM PRESENTED WITH A Wii OF MY VERY OWN! PLEASE INCLUDE THE FOLLOWING GAMES (FICTIONAL, OR NOT):

- Wii HANGIN' WITH ANDREW WK AND HENRY ROLLINS AT THE SPA

- Wii SUPERMARKET SWEEP

- Wii BUMPER STUMPERS

- Wii KIDSTREET

- Wii THE LITTLEST HOBO

ALL THE BEST (UNTIL I DON'T GET MY Wii - THEN I'LL BE GOING BATSHIT ON ALL Y'ALL),

ALEXIS!!!!!!!!!

EVEN SLOTHS CLICK ON THE LINK ATTACHED TO THIS TITLE!!!! SLOTH FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

GGUUUEESSSS WWWHHHAATTT TOOMMOORRRRROOWWW ISSSSSS!?!?!?!?!!!

BEDAZZLED JEANS MEET THE HEADBAND!!!

Several worlds collided last night, as I was graciously invited to be someones plus one at the event of the year......SAMANTHA RONSON (fingers crossed for Lindsay Lohan, because really now - who wants just the former?!?!!) DJs IN FRONT OF A CROWD OF PEOPLE THAT DON'T KNOW HOW TO DRESS THEMSELVES!!!!!!!!!!
Frat boys, American Apparel employees, ~*~*bubblez_69*~*~@hotmail.com, and all those that're too old to be "partying" with the latter, but are too weighed down in their date rape drugs to notice - EEERRR'BODY WAS PRESENT AT THIS GEM OF AN EVENT LAST NIGHT!!!!
The DJs prior to Ms. Ronson sounded like they stayed up sssuuuuuppper late one night, and taped their set off of Z103.5 (minus the DMX song, I liked that one!) but the real disappointment had nothing to do with the star of the event.
It was the lame crowd, full of overly stimulated babies that really irked me.
Between the teen girls who wore full-priced Urban Outfitters made-to-order outfits, and the 40 year old woman, who reminded me of Kim Cattrell in her "pant suit w/ exposed bra" phase, who was furiously hitting on me (FREE SMIRNOFF ICE FOR THE FAT CHICK IN THE BACK!!!!!) I had too much to take in, in order to do a proper "report back to you" blog entry!
Next time I'm put in a situation where I'm standing next to a VIP roped off leather couch area full of Bay Street movers and shakers, that look like they're strung out on PCP, I'll remember what I am fond of in life - SLOTHS AND ICE CREAM!!!

THE HOLIDAY SEASON IS RIPE, Y'ALL!!!

That time of year has totally started, where I go out in the real world to buy my family, and loved ones Christmas presents, and I find things for myself instead.
How badly has this mass shopping binge made me want a locket made out of hair?!?!?
http://www.artofmourning.com/
WHY DOES THERE HAVE TO BE A FLAGSHIP STORE THAT ONLY SELLS FOOTWEAR DEDICATED TO BOTH GARDENING, AND LOOKING LIKE A TURD - YET I HAVE TO RESORT TO USING MY CREDIT CARD TO GET GEMS LIKE THIS!?
I have decided that I am going to pursue my desire to be in a band again.
If you have yet to hear the hilarious story involve myself, High Park, and two girls doing their best "Robin Black" - let me spare you!